


And hear a voice inside my head

by Pollarize



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: American Sign Language, Cochlear Implant, Deaf Character, M/M, deaf josh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pollarize/pseuds/Pollarize
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh longs to hear the birds chirping and raindrops on glass</p>
            </blockquote>





	And hear a voice inside my head

**Author's Note:**

> **DISCLAIMER**  
> I myself am not deaf. Before you even read this story, please understand that. I am fluent in ASL and have spent time with deaf friends. I know a fair amount about cochlear implants and have listened to both sides of the argument, why some think it's necessary and why some are 100% against it. I actually think that it's really interesting, how it works and all that but that's just me. If I've gotten any facts wrong then please, please correct me. I will not be offended because I want this story to be as accurate as I can get it. I also want anyone reading this to understand that cochlear should be the person's choice. It is a really invasive surgery and a lot of factors should be taken into consideration. It has a lot of pros and cons and all that. Sorry for my rambling but I really just wanted to get my point across that I am not deaf and that I don't want this to be taken the wrong way. Also, don't force someone who is deaf or hard of hearing to look into this surgery. Someone who is deaf is not broken in any way and should not be treated like that. From the people I've met, they are by far some of the kindest people I have ever met. My friend was incredibly patient with me when I was first learning and could hardly hold a conversation. jasldkfj Sorry for my rambling, I just know this topic can be sensitive and I really want this to be taken well. 
> 
> @ L for this idea

Josh hadn’t always been deaf but if anyone asked him, he’d say yes.

 

He’d watched the story tumble from his parents lips hundreds of times. Their beautiful baby boy who came out into the world perfect and healthy, would laugh as Josh’s father made weird sounds and would cry when someone would slam the door. He had gotten really sick when he was little, and as his parents told the story, he had  _ unfortunately  _ lost his hearing.

 

Josh actually didn’t mind. Sure, he’d gotten picked on as a kid, the weird boy that spoke with a heavy accent that couldn’t hardly pronounce a word, the weird boy that spoke with his hands in a language nobody hardly understood. He was the weird boy that took special classes designed for slow kids. He wasn’t slow, though. Josh was as smart as any other kid in his class, he just was behind. They’d learned to talk and hear and his parents had sheltered him, not knowing what to do with their  _ poor, poor  _ child who wouldn’t ever hear birds chirping. 

 

Josh didn’t mind. He struggled through elementary with an interpreter and a special teacher who taught him how to use his hands to talk. He’d tried teaching his parents but they only knew a few words and would stare oddly at Josh as he signed to them. They’d hand him a piece of paper and he would sigh as he took it. They were loving and supportive but that’s not what Josh needed, he needed them to understand and he knew they never really would. 

 

Middle school was better. There were kids who spoke the same language as his, friends. High school was even better, more kids who understood him. He even met some hearing students who took sign language over spanish, who were still beginners in the language but were eager to learn and eager to make friends. Josh was just as eager, smiling and being patient as they asked him to repeat himself four times. 

 

He met a boy junior year that was just now taking sign language and didn’t know a thing about how to talk to a deaf person. They slid paper back and forth in history class until he was able to sign his own name.

 

_ T-Y-L-E-R,  _ he spelled in the air and Josh smiled, spelling his own name back.  _ J-O-S-H _ .

 

Next, Tyler learned small words. He’d talk normally and Josh would do his best to lip read and if Tyler remembered the sign he’d do that instead. Josh was as patient as ever, knowing that Tyler was still learning but they were friends now, at least Josh thought so. Then Tyler learned his first full sentence. He kept his mouth firmly shut, his eyebrows scrunched together in concentration, making sure he got the words right.

 

_ I think you’re cute,  _ he signed and then tilted his head in a silent question of ‘was that even close.’ Josh smiled wider and nodded his head.

 

_ I think you’re cute, too. _

 

It was high sailing from then on. Tyler learned words as quick as he could and was determined to keep his mouth shut through it all, wanted to learn Josh’s world as much as Josh longed to learn Tyler’s. He invited Tyler to his house one day.

 

They sat on the couch, signing back and forth. Tyler’s eyes drifted away from Josh, looking to the kitchen. Josh followed his gaze and saw his mother’s lips moving but her body was turned to the side, making it impossible for him to track her lips. Josh had explained time and time again that it wasn’t fair to him, that he thought it was rude. She still did it anyway. Josh realized it was on purpose. He turned his attention back to Tyler, focussing on his face instead of the feeling of rejection that his mother had brought upon him. Tyler looked annoyed, bordering on pissed off.

 

_ What?  _ Josh asked, feeling like he knew the answer anyway.

 

_ Nothing, I don’t want to hurt your feelings,  _ Tyler said, looking almost like Josh’s mother’s words hurt him too. Josh knew they were about him, about his hearing or lack thereof.

 

_ Tell me,  _ Josh tried and he could see whatever resolve Tyler had in him break.

 

_ She said she hated that you were signing and she scolded me for encouraging it. She said I should be talking with my voice and trying to get you to do the same. I don’t think it’s right to do that to you. _

 

Josh knew right then and there that Tyler was the person he would fall in love with and stay in love with for years and years and until his very last breath.

 

_ Be my boyfriend?  _ Josh asked when Tyler met his eyes again. Tyler’s cheeks were red and he nodded.

 

They graduated high school together, signing as they held hands and walked from the stage towards their families. Josh was smiling as wide as his lips would let him and Tyler had a matching smile of his own. They dated through community college, through university. Josh stayed home and got a job as a grocery bagger. It was minimum wage but it was money and passed the time while Tyler was away at school. 

 

Everyone kept telling them that the distance would ruin their relationship and it was all so negative. Josh and Tyler thought that it brought them closer together. 

 

Tyler told Josh about his music class one day, about how he had been writing lyrics to songs he hummed late at night when he was in his dorm. Josh wished that he could hear those words but he settled for reading them. They were poetic and almost as beautiful as Tyler himself.

 

Tyler graduated from college and moved back to Josh. They got a shitty apartment together and people looked down on them, on their low income and scoffed. They didn’t care. They were together and they were happy, nothing mattered. 

 

Until it did and money became an issue.

 

Josh came to Tyler one day, nervous as he pulled him onto the couch. Tyler hadn’t seen Josh look this small since the first day he’d gone home and his mother had scolded Tyler. 

 

_ I wanted to get a Cochlear Implant,  _ Josh said, not meeting Tyler’s eyes. He didn’t want to see Tyler’s reply, didn’t want to see the happy smile that was sure to be on his face. He could almost see the response, how Tyler was so glad that Josh would finally be like him. He imagined Tyler would say ‘finally, you’re normal,’ or that he would be thankful that he could go back to talking, that he could take Josh out in public without any weird stares. 

 

When Josh finally looked up at Tyler, he saw none of that. Tyler was actually frowning.

 

_ Are you sure? You know I don’t care about whether or not you hear. You’re perfect as is, I don’t need you to hear to be happy,  _ Tyler said, scooting closer and resting his hand on Josh’s knee. Josh thought he might cry. He let out a sigh and tried to gather his reasoning for why he wanted this, why he felt it was necessary.

 

_ Thank you,  _ he said, pausing and biting his lip,  _ but I want this for me. I know there isn’t anything wrong with deafness but I want to experience a lot of things that I can’t now. I’m not doing it for you or for my parents, in fact, I won’t ever tell my parents. _

 

Tyler was somewhat relieved but still didn’t believe that Josh was doing this with a clear mind. 

 

_ We’ll continue talking about it. If this is what you really want then we’ll find a way to get money but please, I don’t care either way. I will love you no matter what you choose. _

 

Josh cried himself to sleep that night, curled up against Tyler’s chest. He was relieved and terrified. Relieved that Tyler was so accepting as always, so understanding. Terrified because this could be real for him, he could go through surgery and one day hear birds chirping and Tyler’s voice. He wanted to hear Tyler’s voice.

 

They talked and argued back and forth about Josh wanting to get surgery. Tyler had done some more research and kept pointing things out that Josh hadn’t thought of. In the end, Tyler sighed and nodded.

 

_ Do you really want this?  _ He asked and Josh nodded his head, biting his lip nervously.

 

_ Okay, let’s find you some money,  _ Tyler said, a smile on his face when one appeared on Josh’s.

 

They talked with their insurance to be able to afford the surgery. It meant cutting back on a lot of things, even canceling on the vacation they had planned about a year ago. Tyler said he didn’t mind, that he wanted Josh to be happy. And Josh was happy. 

 

The doctors asked him if he was sure, if he was being pressured, that this was permanent. They explained that they would drill into his skull and implant a device in his head, that he’d wake up in the worst pain of his life. They explained that even with the surgery, he might not hear and if he did it wouldn’t be perfect. They explained that he would struggle through audio and speech therapy but Josh nodded and signed the papers. He explained to them that he had thought about this for years and that he felt like this is what was best for him. 

 

The doctors asked Tyler to leave the room and questioned Josh again, telling him it was okay if his boyfriend was pressuring the surgery, that they wouldn’t force Josh. 

 

_ He didn’t want me to do the surgery in the first place,  _ Josh said and the doctors nodded and scheduled a whole list of appointments for Josh.

 

The months came slowly and Josh felt like he spent more time at a doctor's office than in his own home. 

 

Then surgery came and Josh almost pissed himself with how nervous he was. He held tightly to Tyler’s hand, only letting go when the doctors were carting Josh away and towards the operating room.

 

_ You can still back out,  _ Tyler said, reminding Josh that he didn’t have to, always reminding him that he had a choice, that either option was okay. Josh smiled and replied with no.

 

He woke to extreme pain in his head, tears in his eyes that didn’t stop until a nurse was injecting pain medicine into his IV. Tyler was there as promised, signing to him and telling him how good he did, that he was proud that Josh was so brave. He told Josh that he loved him and Josh cried again.

 

His recovery from surgery was slow and just as painful. He wanted to decapitate himself just so the pain would stop. He was drugged up for a long time. His hands hardly formed the proper shapes as he tried talking to Tyler, his eyes were half lidded and out of focus and he couldn’t understand whatever Tyler tried telling him. Tyler just laughed and rubbed Josh’s arm gently as he fell asleep again.

 

Once he healed and then some, he had another list of appointments. Therapy, therapy, and a lot more therapy. They gave him the transmitter that hooked over his ear and attached to the side of his head. He sat patiently as the doctor adjusted it and messed with a computer, playing sounds for Josh and asking if he heard. Josh shook his head a lot. 

 

_ I want you to be the first thing I hear,  _ Josh said one day as they were leaving another failed appointment. Things were getting better for him. He was picking up barely there sounds that hardly counted as hearing. Garbled nothing that made his head hurt until he ripped the aid off of his ear and stormed out, frustrated. 

 

Tyler nodded and brought his ukulele to the next appointment, sitting in his chair as the doctor fiddled with Josh’s head and device. Josh turned to Tyler and stared at him, expecting some magical moment as Tyler started to strum. He opened his mouth and Josh knew that he was singing but he heard nothing. Empty inside his head that made him want to cry. He did, felt ridiculous for doing so but couldn’t stop it. Tyler dropped his ukulele and rushed to Josh, rubbing his back until he calmed down enough to look at Tyler.

 

_ It’s okay, we’ll try again tomorrow. It’s okay, don’t worry. It’s okay, keep practicing, I believe in you. _

 

So Josh kept coming back even though he wanted to scream. 

 

He sat in another appointment, turning side to side in his chair, bored as the doctor messed with his ears again. Tyler was telling him a story and he was laughing. Josh could have sworn he heard a click as the aid turned on. Tyler started strumming and it was faded noise that hardly registered in Josh’s head. It was something and he felt his heart clench in nervousness, excitement. Tyler opened his mouth and he was singing and Josh was hearing something but he didn’t understand what.

 

_ Louder,  _ he signed, over and over and over and over. Tyler’s face was red with effort and he cringed at the way he sounded but Josh cried.

 

He closed his eyes and heard the words that were leaving Tyler’s mouth. They were still muffled and hard to understand, an electronic sound that wasn’t pretty at all but it was Tyler, it was Tyler and he was singing his song for Josh. And Josh was crying, shoulders shaking as he sobbed but Tyler didn’t stop singing because he knew that this appointment was his best yet. He saw the realization in Josh’s eyes.

 

So he sung louder, practically screaming words about marching and the end of his life. The words were sad and the doctor gave him an odd look at the choice but Josh had read the lyrics, had said he loved them. That was his favorite that Tyler had wrote so far. 

 

_ I hear you,  _ Josh said, opening his eyes and looking at Tyler. His hand stilled on the ukulele and his mouth closed. He started crying himself and Josh stood up, walking to him and holding him. The two of them cried together because Josh heard something. The first something that he could remember and it was beautiful because it was Tyler. 

 

Tyler drove home that day after they’d pulled themselves together. 

 

Josh ditched his transmitter on the bathroom counter and curled up into Tyler’s side. They signed together, hands raised in the air so they could see it easily and made plans of all the things that they would hear together. 

 

_ Birds chirping and raindrops on glass  _ were Josh’s first items on the list. Tyler added steak sizzling on the grill and waves on the beach. The list grew and grew until they were half asleep, hands tangling together as they tried to keep going.

 

Josh was asleep and Tyler turned his head, kissing the scar on the side of Josh’s head. 

  
“I’m so proud of you,” Tyler whispered, his voice scratchy from lack of use.

**Author's Note:**

> I would really, really appreciate anyones thoughts on this. I'm actually more nervous posting this than I was about posting shameless smut.


End file.
